Mike Bassett

Ricky Tomlinson

Tommo Thompson

Phill Jupitus

Karine Bassett

Amanda Redman

Lonnie Urquart

Philip Jackson

Dave Dodds

Bradley Walsh

Interviewer

Martin Bashir

Kevin Tonkinson

Dean Lennox Kelly

Dr. Hans Shoegaarten

Ulrich Thomsen

Smallsy

Robbie Gee

Jack Marshall

Robert Putt

Gary Wackett

Geoff Bell

Himself

Pelé

Alan Massey

Chris McQuarry

Geoffrey Lightfoot

Geoffrey Hutchings

Phil Cope

Malcolm Terris

Margaret

Angela Curran

Himself

Keith Allen

Jason Bassett

Danny Tennant

Journalist

Sean Gilder

Journalist

Mark Burdis

Journalist

Nigel Lindsay

Herself

Sue Barker

Herself

Gabby Logan

Herself

Natasha Kaplinsky

Himself

Dickie Bird

Deano

John Alford

Danny

Dean Holness

Parksey

Scott Mean

Harpsey

Terry Kiely

Gorgeous

Peter McGillycuddy

Berksey

Toby Redwood

Macca

Thomas Kenyon

Super

Andy Ansah

Smudger

Robert Campion

Sexy

Alex Lawler

Ossie

Dion Osborne

Normal

Danny Husbands

Perky

Declan Perkins

Grids

Phil Gridelet

Herself

Jenny Frost

Herself

Liz McClarnon

Manchester Rep

Ian Lindsay

Midlands Rep

Lloyd McGuire

Supporter

Stephen Walters

Himself

Barry Venison

Himself

Ronaldo

Benson

Kim Durham

Hedges

Robert Hudson

Scottish Player

Des Hamilton

Scottish Player

Paul Rattray

Scottish Goalie

Neil Peplow

Irish Player

Glen Mulhern

Footballer (uncredited)

Kevin Hudson

Self

Martin Dahlin